This week I made an amazing discovery: The OSHA Subreddit. It might have been a place where people could come to discuss the ins and outs of workplace health and safety legislation. I could have been a place for people to come to ask questions to seek advice. It should have been many things. What it was, was something glorious:
A dumping ground for the worst of workplace health and safety.
Strap on in for a face-palmy time. Here are the 10 best(worst) bits of advice garnered from this week’s OSHA reddit’s safety fails.
10. When working at heights, always choose speed over safety.
When working at heights, be sure to always choose speed over safety. Harnesses may seem like the right way to go, but in a tight spot, you’re better off hanging off a precarious ledge with some plant equipment. Be sure to use a helmet though, just in case.
9. Pfft. Why use a ladder when you have a door?
That’s the great thing about doors you see; you can walk through them or on them. With all of those doors around you wonder why we even HAVE ladders. All you have to do is position that door where you want it and get to painting; doors are famously immovable.
8. Pffffffft! Why use a door when you can use four ladders?
Here’s a gent, harnessing the power of ladders. With all those ladders, who needs a harness? Why fall when you can just climb down? These are the questions you need to ask yourself when working at heights.
7. Make sure nobody uses emergency exits as a ladder. That’s OHS.
If there IS a fire, everyone knows that the first rule is to get ABOVE the smoke; hence the stairway in front of the emergency door. Make sure to keep your emergency door blocked at all times to ensure that your staff can be kept inside the building to put out the fire. No point in risking the life of your stock am I, right?
6. Dangerous powerlines hanging? Always practice proper caution tape usage.
Human beings, being highly sensitive to the color yellow will often see a dash of yellow and flee the scene. This is why it’s important not to overdo it with the caution tape. Use just enough to frighten them off without overdoing it and sending them into a frenzy. That would just be unsafe.
5. Warehouse Jeeeeeengaaaaaaa!
Warehouse work can be repetitive. This is why you need to spice it up for your workers with a bit of excitement. Stack heavy items so tall that you need to tie them together while they hang over the edge. Have your workers draw straws for who has to get the top bags down. Sure it’s dangerous, but they sure won’t forget it!
4. Don’t work tired. When working at heights, be sure to take regular naps.
Next to sharks, working at heights while drowsy is the world’s biggest killer. Be sure to get in quick power naps wherever and whenever you are regardless of the other risks. Remember that old rhyme: “If you yawn way up high, take a nap or you’ll die”.
3. Unattended fuel pump emergency shut off switches should be kept locked at all times.
It’s well documented that while humans are deathly scared of the color yellow, they’re violently attracted to the color red. Be sure to keep all red emergency fuel shut off buttons properly secured and locked in shatterproof casing. In the case of fire, be sure to have proper key retrieval procedures with at least a three signature signoff before access is provided to your average human to hit this shiny, shiny red button.
2. Don’t forget, no matter what anybody tells you; anyone can arborist.
The arborist or “Arborculturalist” community will try and tell you that you need personal protective equipment when cutting down trees. Don’t believe them. This is just a ploy to get you to use their services. What they don’t tell you is that most trees just fall down by themselves and when you can’t wait for that, the ground makes an EXCELLENT safety net.
1. And Finally: When in doubt; improvise. Danger tape makes an excellent substitute for tension straps.
I’ll be honest. At first, I thought this might be a tension strap, but you can see danger written on it and it’s easily bowing under the weight of that snap hook, so yes; this gent has used a piece of tape to strap onto.
Don’t let the limitations of your situation get in the way of safety. In the absence of a good anchor point safety tape, or even a chain on paperclips will do the job. When it comes to safety, sometimes you need to learn to think outside the box.
OK, if it isn’t 100% totally clear that all of these are a joke then let me make it crystal:
DO NOT FOLLOW ANY ADVICE I HAVE GIVEN ON THIS BLOG. IT IS INTENDED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES ONLY.
It might be obvious to you, but hey; it always pays to be safe.
And as always, Stay safe out there with Donesafe safety software.
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And as always, keep safe out there.
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